two weeks in

"It's been a few weeks since I last posted and it's been a crazy few weeks at that. Let me start by saying, we brought our little girl home yesterday. That's right, she's finally here. At moments it honestly felt like I would just be pregnant forever, but it did indeed end. And as I write this I have a squishy little baby sleeping in my arms. It's unbelievable. 

I'm a little over 72 hours into parenthood and it's already the hardest/best/most surreal thing ever. I really think it hasn't actually set in yet. This isn't just some baby. She's my baby, and she's Tom's baby. She's our daughter. I don't know how to begin processing that. Maybe it just comes with time." 

I wrote these paragraphs last week, in the middle of the night. Those first few days home from the hospital were almost completely a blur, and mostly it still feels like the days bleed one into the other defined by feeding and napping instead of by night and day. The past two weeks have been the hardest, longest, best, most exciting and overwhelming of my life. As much as I read and prepared for what Lana's arrival would do to our lives, there is no way I could have really understood. 

From the moment my water broke and I experienced VERY SERIOUS contractions, to the moment I woke up from my amazing, epidural-induced nap and knew it was time, to the moment that she was born, every thing in my heart, mind and soul has been flipped upside down. 

First, going through the entire labor experience with Tom made me love and admire him more than I ever knew possible. We didn't take any birth classes or really even talk about the labor process very much (I chose not to dwell on the scary, impending pain), so neither of us really knew what to expect from the other. Somehow in the midst of the most physically painful and emotionally crazy experience of my life, he knew exactly how to act. He knew when to make me laugh, when to let me cry, and even when to sneak me snacks before I died of starvation. He was absolutely amazing and probably the only thing that kept me sane. 

People keep asking my how it's going, and the only answer I know how to give it "good". I don't really know what else to say, because this might be the first experience in my life that I just don't have the words for. It also doesn't help that my hormones are on a crazy rampage and I can go from laughing to weeping in half a second. Despite feeling like I don't have the words and that I hardly understand what I'm experiencing, I want to try and get it all out of my head before I forget just how amazing and overwhelming these first days really are. 

I guess I should start by saying that Lana is the most amazing little human I've ever met. She is easy going and totally content to just hang out. We've already been on all kinds of outings (Target, picnics, dinners out...all of my favorites) and she has been the easiest little companion we could have hoped for. When she's awake her big eyes just look all around, and she loves to lay on her play mat and "watch" the animals rattle above her. She's already letting us get good stretches of sleep during the night, and is so snugly that it's hard to put her back in her own bed instead of just letting her cuddle on our chests. She makes all kinds of faces and has the cutest little lips to ever be had. I could keep going, but the point is really just that Tom and I are completely, over the moon smitten with her in ways that I don't think either of us could have predicted. 

All that being said, these two weeks have been hard. We're both short on sleep and even shorter on experience with newborns. We have basically no idea what we're doing and we're half asleep trying to figure it out. I won't lie, I've already called my pediatrician's after hours line more than once. There are so many opinions and do's and dont's floating around out there that it's nearly impossible to know if you're doing the best or worst possible thing at any given moment.

But slowly we're learning. Every day, and sometimes every hour, brings something new, and right now we're just content to tackle each thing as it comes. This is definitely not where we saw ourselves a year and a half into our marriage, but I can't imagine anything better. Lana has only been here for two weeks and already we can't imagine our lives without her. And as I type this, she's starting to stir so I'll wrap things up. I can't wait to see how she changes and enriches our lives. Already she is teaching us to love in ways we've never known, and we are so thankful to have her.

Also, there is nothing better than watching Tom love her. 

1 comment:

  1. Oh Megan, I am also in tears now! I love to hear your heart at this time. And so perfect that you are writing it all down because you can hardly remember what you are experiencing right now, later. Life is a whirlwind for sure! I remember bringing little Jane home, (and Lawson coming up naked from a bath, right away, barely in the door and being in so much awe of her and loving her right away - I even have a picture of that!) and now she is about to graduate and start college. You two will make the best parents and just know that God gave you Lana to raise and He gave her YOU. We always have abided by: "Train up a child in the way that they shoud go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it." so have fun and write on!